Not Tonight, Santa: The 25 Best Fucking Christmas Songs* (Vol. 2)

* based on absolutely no criteria whatsoever

In continuation of yesterday’s list of The 25 Best Fucking Christmas Songs, here are the rest…

13. “Just Like Christmas” // Low
This one’s low-key, pretty, and surprisingly free of schmaltz, even though it’s not snarky — it actually wears its heart on its sleeve, unlike most new, original Christmas tunes. It make me want to drink some cocoa and look at something flashy. (Yes, the cocoa would have peppermint Schnapps in it.)

14. “Little Jack Frost, Get Lost” // Frankie Carle
I don’t recall how I first came across this one, but I know it was in college. It’s all old-timey and sounds classic, but it’s not one you’ll hear often, which means you get the best of both worlds: that cozy Christmas feeling, without the desire to Helen Keller yourself lest you ever have to hear, see, or sing “Frosty The Snowman” ever again.

15. “Oi To The World” // No Doubt
Who couldn’t use a little 90’s-era ska in their December? Nobody, that’s who. In an ironic twist, I thought this was by the oft-mistaken-for-No-Doubt Save Ferris until I looked it up for this post. That makes me feel a little more boring for including it here, but I can just skank around my room with this song playing and I’m sure I’ll feel awesome in no time.

16. “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” // Hamlet 2
Because Christmas isn’t all about presents, mistletoe, eggnog, grandparents getting creamed by reindeer, and walking in on your parents’ kinky chimney-side, scar-you-for-life sex fantasies. It’s also, y’know, Jesus’ birthday. So here’s one for that holy infant, so tender and mild, or whatever. But if this track is too blasphemous for you, “Jesus Christ Superstar” is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

(On second thought, this track is pretty fucking blasphemous all on its own. I never realized there were so many black disco dancers roaming around Bethlehem.)

17. “Everything’s Gonna Be Cool This Christmas” // Eels
Okay, that’s enough from you, Jesus Christ. Back to a more commercial, capitalistic kind of cheer. Eels manage to make everything a little cooler, including Christmas. I approve. That’s all.

18. “Santa Baby” // Kylie Minogue
Yeah, another one everyone knows. Just about any version will do — Madonna, Eartha Kitt, Marilyn Monroe. Okay, maybe not the Pussycat Dolls. You’ve got to hear this at least once this season.

19. “Angels We Have Heard On High” // Relient K
And while I am admitting all sorts of embarrassing things in this post, I may as well cop to somewhat enjoying pop punk. Especially when you mix it with Christmas carols. So there. “Angels We Have Heard On High” is one of nuttier standards out there — I mean, people really have fun with that “glooo-ooo-oooria,” don’t they? It lends itself especially well to a pop punk pace. I think you’ll agree.

20. “Sleigh Ride” // Debbie Gibson
This is the Christmas song that did it for me when I was a kid, off our Very Special Christmas CD (the only Christmas CD I had when I was little). Pretty gay, right? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when I’m on a sleigh ride with Debbie Gibson for real someday — and you’re not.

21. “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” // John Lennon
Because it isn’t Christmas without a few reminders that while we are stuffing our faces with ham and candy canes, there are starving children in Third World countries suffering from horrendous diseases we can do nothing about. Right, guys? But who am I to argue with John Lennon, who apparently managed to upload this video to YouTube years after he was assassinated. So maybe mixing Christmas with an anti-war message is overkill, but at least it’s pretty. It’s like the holiday version of “It’s A Small World After All,” only all the international children pictured have died long before you got around to watching the video. Now bring us some figgy pudding!

22. “Christmas With You Is The Best” // The Long Winters
So yes, I stole two tracks from The OC‘s Chrismukkah album. This one’s a little sexy, and it’s all about a non-traditional, non-denominational celebration (I think they mean sex).

23. “Auld Lang Syne” // Connie Francis
So Christmas has, like, forty thousand different songs about it, and New Year’s has one. That’s fine. At least it’s a fucking awesome song. Yeah — I said it. I love “Auld Lang Syne.” Like much holiday music, it’s actually pretty depressing for something that people sing while drinking, wearing stupid hats, and kissing. And that’s what I like about it. Because if I ever find myself drinking, wearing a stupid hat, and not kissing on New Year’s Eve, at least I know the music will be appropriate. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a fitting soundtrack to my pain.

24. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence” // Ryuichi Sakamoto
And if I had to pick my very favorite Christmas music of all time — well, that would be hard. But this might be it. (Hence why I included both versions, the lovely piano and the very Asian-y, since I can’t pick.) This is my sad, sappy, lonely-feeling Christmas music, partially for personal reasons, and partially because it actually just sounds really depressing. But also lovely. The piano version has, on occasion, made me cry — just sayin’.

25. “Carol of the Bells” // Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Well, I couldn’t end this playlist on such a downer note as “Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence.” It is supposed to be a fun playlist, after all. Remember when I said “Carol of the Bells” was my favorite Christmas classic? I wasn’t kidding. So it’s on here twice. You really can’t get any more over-the-top chintzy than Trans-Siberian Orchestra. This is like Roland Emmerich’s version of a Christmas song. They make it sound like the world is exploding — but, you know. In a festive way.

*

So that’s it, everybody. One song for every day of December that Mary had a holy superstar bun in her immaculate oven.

Happy holidays!