It’s the Golden Globes! And because I currently have nothing better to do, I am watching and blogging about them. (Nominees here, FYI.)
I’ll be doing some sort of live-blogging/recap as we go on, so… enjoy!
5:07 — Digs at terrible Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler in drag movies and last year’s shockingly-nominated The Tourist. Plus a pretty funny Jodie Foster Beaver joke (which even Jodie seemed to like). Ricky Gervais is off to a good start.
5:09 — Best Supporting Actor. Hooray for Christopher Plummer! Beginners needs all the awards help it can get (and to come to more people’s attention so they see it)!
5:14 — Best Actress, TV Comedy is Laura Dern. Anyone who was in Jurassic Park gets my automatic love for life. I’ve been meaning to check out Enlightened, and this gives me even more reason to.
5:22 — Best Mini-Series or TV Movie is Downton Abbey. I guess my recent adding of that to my Netflix queue was a little too late to catch it before it became a “thing.” I only recently figured out that everyone wasn’t merely misspelling “downtown.”
5:24 — Best Actress in Mini-Series or TV Movie is Kate Winslet! Unfortunately I missed Mildred Pierce, but kinda like Laura Dern, Kate Winslet has earned my undying love for life. (And not just because of Titanic.)
5:31 — Man, live-blogging is exhausting. Why am I doing this again?
5:33 — Ah, the speech about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. In which celebrities have pained looks on their faces trying to seem like they’re really interested in this information.
5:35 — Thirty-five minutes in and Ricky offends the religious! And he’s only getting started.
5:36 — Standing anyone next to Paula Patton is cruelty. Putting Melissa McCarthy next to her seems especially cold. (Or is it just me?)
5:36 — Kelsey Grammer wins Best Actor for TV Drama for a show I know nothing about. Sorry, guys, I meant to mention earlier that I am useless when it comes to TV right now; too busy with movies.
5:38 — Homeland is Best TV Drama. Yet another one I’ve been meaning to catch.
5:45 — Thank you, Jimmy Fallon, for pointing out that “Moves Like Jagger” really doesn’t make sense.
5:46 — Best Score goes to The Artist! Despite that whole raping-Kim-Novak thing. Poor Kim. Usually when you’re raped, the guy’s penis doesn’t win a Golden Globe after to rub it in.
5:49 — Best Song goes to Madonna! The only award W.E. will ever win, I imagine.
5:55 — Breaking news. This live-blogging has just become a Golden Globes pizza party! (Yes, I am eating the whole pizza myself.)
5:57 — Seriously, when did commercial breaks become so short?
5:58 — Idris Elba, who many people probably haven’t heard of, wins Best Actor for something people definitely haven’t heard of. Surely it’s good, though.
5:59 — Why introduce Brad Pitt as “here with a clip from The Ides Of March“? Isn’t it his entire job to say that?
6:01 — We needed a Seth Rogen erection joke at the Golden Globes like we needed Seth Rogen at the Golden Globes.
6:01 — Michelle Williams as Best Actress. No great surprise. She looks pretty cute with that headband. Not sure how I feel about My Week With Marilyn picking up awards steam, though…
6:08 — Sarah. Michelle. GELLAR. Dying. Why is that other bitch talking when SMG could be reading everything??!?! P.S. Peter Dinklage won.
6:10 — Googling Martin Henderson… he is not this guy, but this Martin Henderson.
6:13 — Ugh, where did Sarah Michelle Gellar go??
6:15 — Best Animated Feature. Steven Spielberg: “Which movie is this for again?” The Adventures Of Tintin win = War Horse consolation prize?
6:18 — Now that I have more time to look at it, that Martin Henderson dwarf tossing thing is pretty awful. What kind of fucker does that?
6:22 — Best Screenplay to Woody Allen, with an awkward, obviously improvised speech by Nicole Kidman. Classic.
6:23 — Best Supporting Actress goes to Jessica Lange for that show’s token prize. Best intro goes to William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman for that cute little singing number.
6:26 — I bet that announcer is getting awfully tired of thinking up new ways to say “This show obviously isn’t over yet.”
6:30 — Ricky Gervais’ Madonna joke falls flat. Madonna’s comeback? Fucking killer.
6:32 — Best Foreign Film — obviously, A Separation. Doesn’t W.E. count as a Foreign Film? The characters in it speak Madonna.
6:35 — Another none-too-surprising win for Homeland, with Claire Danes as Best Actress. Really gotta check that out, I guess…
6:42 — Emily Blunt sounds sarcastic even when she’s praising a movie.
6:43 — Jane Lynch and Tina Fey — two funniest women on Earth on stage together? Well, Kristen Wiig needs to be up there.
6:44 — Um, did Matt LeBlanc just win a Golden Globe? Win anything?
6:47 — Best Supporting Actress. Bradley Cooper clearly saw none of these movies and has heard of none of these women and could not care less who wins. Octavia Spencer’s asking price just went up!
6:53 — Nothing that interesting has happened in awhile, so I’ll just say Reese Witherspoon looks pretty ferocious in that red dress, and why can’t she choose a good movie to save her life anymore?
6:57 — We all love Morgan Freeman, but Sidney… Poitier… is… determined… to… drag… this… out… as… long… as… possible…
6:58 — Helen Mirren is drunk and bitchy! Just when things needed to pick up.
7:03 — If Morgan Freeman ascended to heaven on live television right now, I wouldn’t be that surprised.
7:11 — Is Robert Downey, Jr. on drugs again?
7:14 — Whoa. Martin Scorsese Best Director? The evening’s first shocker.
7:17 — Is it beneath me to make a joke about Salma Hayek’s two “Golden Globes”? If not, please insert your own here. Aaand Modern Family wins Best Comedy!
7:25 — Here we go. Best Actor in a Comedy. Jean Dujardin! Fabulous.
7:33 — Oh, they chose an African-American actor to introduce The Help. How bold.
7:34 — Ricky Gervais back in the plus column with his intro of “the evil Colin Firth.”
7:36 — Meryl Streep is such an amazing actress! Even her humble surprised face is 100% convincing.
7:37 — This business about famous people trying to hand Meryl Streep her glasses has become the highlight of 2012 so far.
7:39 — Best Musical/Comedy is The Artist! Duh. Every year there’s at least one rambling foreign guy…
7:47 — “The very foolish Natalia Portman” also got a grin out of me.
7:48 — Blah. George Clooney. Michael Fassbender, I’m filing a police report for you because you’ve been ROBBED.
7:49 — But at least George Clooney made awkward jokes about your penis to make up for it?
7:54 — Jeez. Harrison Ford sure doesn’t waste any time with idle chit-chat.
7:55 — Best Drama is The Descendants. No real surprise, particularly after the Clooney win. But this ukelele music is already killing me. P.S. Calling your own movie “timeless” a month after its release is sort of a poor choice.
7:58 — Aaand we go out on the word “recession.”
Goodnight, everybody!
*
The 2012 Golden Globes winners:
Motion picture, drama
WINNER: The Descendants
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse
Actor, movie, drama
WINNER: George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, The Idesof March
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Motion picture, comedy
50/50
WINNER: The Artist
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week With Marilyn
Actress, movie, drama
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
WINNER: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Needto Talk About Kevin
Actor, movie, comedy or musical
WINNER: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Ryan Gosling, Crazy,Stupid, Love
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Television series, comedy or musical
Enlightened (HBO)
Episodes (Showtime)
Glee (Fox)
WINNER: Modern Family (ABC)
New Girl (Fox)
Director, movie
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Idesof March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
WINNER:Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Supporting actress, movie
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
WINNER: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Actor, TV comedy or musical
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock (NBC)
David Duchovny, Californication (Showtime)
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
Thomas Jane, Hung (HBO)
WINNER: Matt LeBlanc, Episodes (Showtime)
Actress, TV drama
WINNER: Claire Danes, Homeland (Showtime)
Mireille Enos, The Killing (AMC)
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife (CBS)
Madeleine Stowe, Revenge (ABC)
Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness (USA)
Foreign language film
The Flowers of War (China)
In the Land of Blood and Honey (USA)
The Kid With a Bike (Belgium)
WINNER: A Separation (Iran)
The Skin I Live In (Spain)
Supporting actress, series, miniseries or TV movie
WINNER: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story (FX)
Kelly MacDonald, Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey (PBS)
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family (ABC)
Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Screenplay
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Nat Faxon, Alexander Payne, Jim Rash, The Descendants
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
WINNER: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Stan Chervin, Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian, Moneyball
Animated feature
WINNER:The Adventures of Tintin
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Puss in Boots
Rango
Supporting actor, series, miniseries or TV movie
WINNER: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones (HBO)
Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail (HBO)
Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite (HBO)
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family (ABC)
Actress, movie, comedy or musical
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
WINNER: Michelle Williams, My WeekWith Marilyn
Kate Winslet, Carnage
Actor, miniseries or TV movie
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey (PBS)
WINNER: Idris Elba, Luther (BBC America)
William Hurt, Too Big to Fail (HBO)
Bill Nighy, Page Eight (Masterpiece)
Dominic West, The Hour (BBC America)
Original score
WINNER:Ludovic Bource, The Artist
Abel Korzeniowski, W.E.
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo
John Williams, War Horse
Original song
Elton John and Bernie Taupin, Hello Hello (Gnomeo & Juliet)
Chris Cornell, The Keeper (Machine Gun Preacher)
Brian Byrne and Glenn Close, Lay Your Head Down (Albert Nobbs)
Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason, Jr., Damon Thomas and Thomas Newman, The Living Proof (The Help)
WINNER:Madonna, Julie Frost and Jimmy Harry, Masterpiece (W.E.)
Television series, drama
American Horror Story (FX)
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Boss (Starz)
Game of Thrones (HBO)
WINNER: Homeland (Showtime)
Actor, TV drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad (AMC)
WINNER: Kelsey Grammer, Boss (Starz)
Jeremy Irons, The Borgias (Showtime)
Damian Lewis, Homeland (Showtime)
Supporting actor, movie, drama
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
WINNER: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Miniseries or TV movie
Cinema Verite (HBO)
WINNER: Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
The Hour (BBC America)
Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Too Big to Fail (HBO)
Actress, TV comedy or musical
WINNER: Laura Dern, Enlightened(HBO)
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl (FOX)
Tina Fey, 30 Rock (NBC)
Laura Linney, The Big C (Showtime)
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Actress, miniseries or TV movie
Romola Garai, The Hour (BBC America)
Diane Lane, Cinema Verite (HBO)
Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey (PBS)
Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult (Sundance)
WINNER: Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce (HBO)
REAL NOBODY 
HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN!!!! #houselannister