This little blog of mine has existed for a little over three years now, and you know what? The more I blog, the more I realize what ignorant freaks the human race can be, thanks to the magic of Google.
Google has helped a handful of people find my blog for perfectly relevant reason — they come seeking Looking or Comeback recaps, comparisons of Black Swan to Birdman, or an explanation of what the hell Enemy is about. Just as often, however, it brings assorted masturbators and perverts to my photo gallery, seeking all sorts of unsavory things. (Some of which they may find on HardintheCity, some of which they may not.)
A lot of Google searches are your basic filth, while plenty are completely nonsensical and defy logic. I’m growing more and more certain that extraterrestrials are studying us through Google, but have not quite managed to get a grip on English syntax yet.
Here are my favorite Google searches from the past year — some hilarious, some creepy, and some utterly baffling.
“lady from breaking bad”
There are several to choose from. Skyler? Marie? Lydia? Andrea? Gretchen? Maybe even little Holly…? You probably mean Skyler. Anna Gunn has an Emmy, so learn her fucking name.
“bug and salud skylars boobs”
Skyler’s boobs in “Bug” and “Salud”? Awesome. Please don’t bother me with Skyler’s boobs from any other episodes of Breaking Bad in which Skyler’s boobs were inferior.
“did holly get killed to’hajiilee”
No! Breaking Bad‘s precious baby Holly is alive and well. Breaking Bad may have been bleak at times, but it wasn’t that bleak. What show were you watching?
“breaking bad jesse died”
No. He didn’t.
“breaking bad that scene walter say: im not in danger i am the danger”
Eh, close enough.
“breaking bad why was skyler heavier”
Well… she wasn’t! That’s just the warped standards of beauty Hollywood imposes on actresses making anyone who is actually human being-sized look like a rhino in comparison. I’m glad you asked! Aren’t you?
“christina hendricks hefty”
“christina hendricks groped”
Who did she grope? Oh, wait, you probably meant Christina Hendricks being groped, didn’t you?
“christina hendricks gagged”
Boy, Google really has it out for Christina Hendricks.
“madmen season 2 when joan sits on bed and takes bra strap off”
I do have a picture of this very moment, which occurred in Season 2, Episode 8, “A Night To Remember,” my third favorite Mad Men moment of all time.
“what happens to chauncey in mad men”
Good question. We will probably never know. Poor Chauncey.
“hbo looking scene”
Any scene from Looking? Any scene at all?
“patrick patrick (jonathan groff)”
Typing it twice won’t help with your vague search.
“looking in the mirror, grindr guy”
Pretty much every guy on Grindr is looking in the mirror. Oh, but I think this was referring to the TV show Looking.
“comeback lisa kudrow love paulie g”
I’m pretty sure this is not the case. In fact, the only person who would think that is Paulie G…
“is the comeback renewed”
I hope so!
“buffy et le scooby gang”
Do they not translate “Scooby gang” when it’s aired abroad? It sounds so much sexier in French!
“what does the black principal on buffy do wrong”
He Googles senseless questions about defunct TV shows that are vaguely racist. No, wait… that was you.
“orange is the new black prison guard matthew mccoughnehay”
Matthew McConaughey is a little too busy winning Oscars to play a bit part in a Netflix show. And none of the prison guards look anything like Matthew McConaughey. So… what?
“albert brooks naked”
Because who doesn’t sit around and idly think about Albert Brooks in the buff?
“adam arkin naked”
The only person I can seriously believe Googled this was Adam Arkin.
“rhea perlman nude”
Seriously? Danny DeVito, is that you?
“viola davis naked nude”
No results yet, but at this rate it’s bound to happen on How To Get Away With Murder before long.
“robert de niro nude”
Too bad Google wasn’t around back in De Niro’s heyday, he wasn’t a bad-looking fellow back then. Are you looking for vintage-era De Niro nudes, or current ones? It makes a big difference.
“free naked pictures of stacy keach.”
Naturally, yes, they would be free. I can’t imagine anyone going into business trying to make money off of Stacy Keach nudes. Then again, someone out there is obviously into it…
“lena dunham fucking”
Watch an episode of Girls. Any episode of Girls! You’ll get what you came for.
“anna kendrick naked and having sex”
Do not bother me with pictures of Anna Kendrick naked and merely going about her day-to-day business, nor any pictures of Anna Kendrick having sex fully clothed. She must be naked and having sex. Mmkay?
“james franco giving blow job”
The man does a lot of things, but that’s one thing he probably doesn’t do. (Probably.)
“michael fassbender gay orgy”
“how many movies has channing tatum nude in”
“naked channing tatum,alex pettyfer and steven soderbergh”
Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer? Yep, they were pretty naked in Magic Mike. But was Steven Soderbergh naked while directing it? I don’t think so!
“james deen dick”
It’s probably harder to find pictures of James Deen without his penis visible.
“ix brad pitt still a sex symbol”
Well, it’s not like an official title that they revoke at a certain age. That’s just up to interpretation!
“was heather orourke blood sacrificed”
I don’t think so… um, why do you ask?
“all photos of uma thurman”
That’s a lot of photos.
“every jurassic park pictures”
Enjoy your extensive Google search for every single image of one of the most popular movies of all time!
“the craziest pictures”
“train leaving a station 1895”
You must be looking for the 1895 short Arrival Of A Train At La Ciotat, one of the first films ever shown in theaters, which caused its audience to run and flee because they thought the train was real. Train Leaving A Station was the higher-budgeted sequel, which flopped hard in 1903 despite bigger stars and state-of-the-art special effects.
“a kiki is a party”
Well, it was… back in 2012…
“words liberice would say”
The man seemed fairly eloquent, so I imagine there are a lot of words Liberace might say. Care to narrow it down a little?
“the talking in the beginning of lady gagas marry the night”
Also known as “dialogue.”
“what did girl say to the aurochs?”
I don’t know, what did the girl say to the aurochs? Wait, was that not the beginning of a joke?
“britney spears fucked by man”
Which type of man were you hoping for? A Justin Timberlake type, or more of a Kevin Federline?
“britini sphere fucking hard”
Not even close.
“brity spaers fucking pic.com”
“britni spars hard fucking”
“hard fucking image of britny spears”
One thing I have learned through Google searches of my site? People are really not into soft, gentle fucking images of Britney Spears. Hard only!
“zero dark thirty naked”
You know, that scene where, after killing Osama bin Laden, Jessica Chastain strips naked and takes a nice, long, hot shower? Hmm? Right, no, that didn’t happen.
What is it about hot-button, Oscar-nominated thrillers set in the Middle East that has everyone so worked up? Are you looking for naked shots of Ben Affleck? Try Gone Girl. If you are looking for naked shots of the Iranian hostages, I cannot help you.
“matt bomer and his naked”
…Emotions? You were attempting to Google “matt bomer and his naked emotions,” am I right?
“anglee fuck photo”
I assume you do not mean Ang Lee, director of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Life Of Pi.
“hot boobs touching scenes of kristen wiig from bridesmaid”
Are there hot boobs-touching scenes in Bridesmaids? Are they in the deleted scenes? I’ll need to get back to you on this, because I don’t recall.
“different movies of lovers having sex”
Those same old movies of lovers having sex are starting to get old. Let’s have some different ones for a change!
“new best fucking movie”
That best fucking movie from five minutes ago? So over it! So ready for a new best fucking movie, please!
“naked porn sex naked or porn or sex”
Not picky. That’s good.
“any fucking movie for hard”
Any fucking movie. Any fucking movie at all!
“what is best fucking film in 2013”
You are a year late, but here is my best of 2013. Surely that’s what you’re looking for.
“good songs for hard fucking”
If the music is so essential, you are doing it wrong.
“busty blond teacher took off her”
Took off her what? Favorite jacket? The suspense is killing Google!
“girls gooone wildp”
The number of one-handed typers who find my site is simply astonishing.
“white girl afro porn -black”
You seem confused about what you really want.
“white girl juicy come out”
It’s best not to think about any of the things this might mean.
Which Elisabeth do you mean? No matter how naked she may be, this Elisabeth has a last name and she’d probably prefer that you use it!
“porn stars frontal nudity”
A good way to filter out all those shy, demure porn stars who just won’t do full frontal.
“bare butt whore”
Whores who are shy about their asses being uncovered are the woooorst!
“bare ass boogie”
Is this a new “Macarena”-style dance number I should be on board with? I’m hoping not.
“uncut latin cocks”
This is what happens when you recap a show that has episode titles like “Looking For Uncut.” You find out that a lot of people on Google are also looking for uncut.
I’ve heard of death rattles… was this a death Google?
“learn to off bra panty”
Are you trying to Google how to remove a bra and panties? If you have to Google this, I’m pretty sure you will never have any use for these skills. Sorry!
“what is nude sex”
Thank you for providing your answer in the form of a question, but this is not Jeopardy. How old are you? Go ask your parents.
“dermot mulroney is smoking”
Oooh, I’m gonna tell!
“stranger by the lake cum”
Yes, actually, this movie does have some of that.
“is quentin tarantino a good fuck?”
Probably! Report back with your findings.
“does netflix have lovelace”
You know what might be a better site to search for this? Netflix!
“is lovelace on netflix”
“lovelace is it on netflx”
“katniss and finnick having sex”
I’m right there with you, but there are no pictures because it didn’t happen. Team Finnick all the way!
“jennifer lawrence hot in a silver lining playbook”
Make sure to specify that it’s just one singular silver lining playbook. We don’t have time to sift through all those playbooks, people.
“jennifer lawrence wolf of wall street”
You’re either thinking of American Hustle or Margot Robbie. Given the similarities between these characters, I will let this one slide.
“the wolf of wall street sick of waring panties”
A three-hour movie about the financial collapse of America, and this is your takeaway.
“margot robbie no panties”
They didn’t show it in the movie, so what makes you think Googling it will magically come up with some full-frontal Robbie?
“margot robbie legs open”
There we go. You’re welcome.
“wolf of wallstreet: wife with no panties”
The inevitable sequel.
“no country for the old man”
Is that supposed to be the No Country For Old Men prequel?
“deborah kara unger 2014 calendar”
I, too, make sure to get my official Deborah Kara Unger calendar every year.
For those moments when those a soft and gentle rape just will not do.
“sarah michelle gellar nip”
Regular Buffy perv.
“sarah michelle gellar leather”
Bondage Buffy perv.
“sarah michelle gellar barefoot”
Foot fetish Buffy perv.
“sarah michelle gellar face”
Face perv? Googling “sarah michelle gellar” is going to bring up pictures of her face even without that specification. What did you think, it would just come up with a bunch of images of her elbow?
“sarah michelle gellar oops”
Hmm. Not sure.
Yeah, I’d wager that most pictures of Ke$ha probably include her mouth.
“sela ward hard”
When you find a picture of Sela Ward with a boner, you let me know.
“the avengers not a great plan”
A team of heroes with the most extraordinary powers on Earth? Seems like a decent plan to me!
“what pants did scarlett johansson wear in winter soldier”
I’m pretty sure they just spray-painted her legs black.
“enemy what the fuck”
“what the hell is enemy about”
“blueberries meaning enemy”
So it wasn’t just me who picked up on some significance with the blueberries, then?
“enemy movie mother blueberries”
Yeah, maybe the mother has something to do with that, too.
“that movie called enemy with jake in it i didn’t get the ending”
After seeing the way you use Google, it’s obvious that you aren’t the brightest crayon in the box. I’m surprised you can even type. Cool that you and “Jake” are on a first-name basis, though!
“the one i love ending fake sophie bacon”
Ahh, some more food-related confusion about the end of a 2014 doppelganger movie.
“victims in horror movies who didn’t deserve to die”
“blonde girls that survive horror movies”
Has this ever happened?
“horror movies with blonde teens in highschool”
Yeah, you know… that horror movie! Like… with that blonde girl? I think maybe she’s in high school…? Come on, you know the one!
“is the ending of like crazy sad or happy?”
Because there are only two kinds of endings, right? 1) Sad. 2) Happy. There are no gray areas in cinema.
“conflict in before sunset between jesse and celine”
The whole movie is a conflict between Jesse and Celine. That is literally the only thing in the entire movie.
“thesis statement for django unchined”
Why, hello, there, film student who waited until the last possible moment to write his paper!
“main comedy elements of silver lining playbook”
Film student who waited until the last possible moment to write his paper, is that you again?
“zac efron plot twist”
Uh, which Zac Efron movie has a plot twist? 17 Again? High School Musical? Hairspray? Neighbors?
“edward norton’s erection”
“birdman 2014 erection”
Oh, right, Edward Norton’s erection in Birdman.
“birdman is riggan dead at the end”
That is open to interpretation.
“in birdman does riggan lose his nose”
That is not open to interpretation. They very clearly state what happens. He shoots off his nose.
“who can explain the ending of the michael keaton ‘bird man’ movie?”
Nobody! Please stop asking!
“titanic movie scenes”
You know what part of Titanic I really liked? The scenes!
“titanic 1997 ending”
“titanic movie heroine nude sketch hd”
She has a name. It’s Rose, dumbass.
“titanic jack & rose in car”
Subtle. But you really wanted to Google “Jack and Rose fucking,” didn’t you?
“titanic jack and rose not together”
Seventeen years later, still not over it.
Yes, sure, you could categorize that whole “hitting an iceberg” thing as a “fail.” An “epic fail,” even.
“dicaprio gives one of the boldest performances in his movie career”
Does he? In what? I’m seriously curious, because you could make an argument for “boldest performance” in just about any one of his movies!
“philip seymour hoffman as j. edgar hoover”
“gone girl mocks media”
Yes! It does! Very astute.
“gone girl don’t fuck with women”
That’s a pretty good way to sum up the theme of the film.
“nicole kidman fucking in dog town”
It’s Dogville, actually — there are only about a dozen people, it’s hardly a whole town. And for the record, she was being subjected to rape, not “fucking.”
“kate winslet c grade rape”
Do rapes get graded now? Who grades them, and what are the criteria? I would think the person being raped would pretty much give out nothing but “F”s, on principle. And why does Kate Winslet get a totally average rape? I feel like a Kate Winslet rape would get either an “A” or an “F,” nothing in between.
“is thomas horn gay”
Kinda seems that way, may be too early to tell.
“is the boy from movie extremely loud and incredibly close okay in real life”
I was wondering this myself, and I seriously doubt it.
“bruce wayne story”
It’s called Batman.
“in spider man what is the green lizards name”
You gotta love Googlers who phrase things like they’re having an actual conversation. “Pray tell, where might I find the name of that charming lizard chap from the Spider-Man pictures?”
“storm coming up batman”
I guess this is reasonably close to “There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne.” This is like a really bad translated version that gives away that he’s Batman.
“women of flash gordon naked porn”
Is this a thing? If this is a thing, I don’t want to know about it.
“redhead teen stepchild porn”
I’m not sure “redheaded stepchild” is meant to be a sexy term. Usually it’s pejorative.
“raped with sex machines”
“nude sexual enjoyment”
Not to be confused with clothed sexual enjoyment, or various forms of nude enjoyment that are decidedly not sexual, or nude sexual misery.
“men grabbing each others crotch”
So you’re looking for PG-rated porn, then? Ohhhkay…
“verry hard & best fuck”
When non-English-speaking people try to Google in English.
“the most fuking movi film”
There are lots of very fucking movie-films, but which is the most fucking movie-film of them all?
“sex in motion”
Not a necrophiliac. That’s good!
“cleavage body swap”
Uh-oh, sounds like they’re running out of body swap ideas in Hollywood. Is this like Freaky Friday, except instead of a full body switch, Lindsay Lohan has Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts and Jamie Lee Curtis has Lindsay Lohan’s breasts?
“oops i did it again schoolgirl”
Wrong Britney video, asshole.
“britney spears oops not again dance”
If you are gay, why don’t you know that Britney Spears did not record a song called “Oops, Not Again!” The proper title is “Oops I Did It Again.” And if you are not gay, why are you Googling Britney Spears dances?
“teen screams its to hard”
Hmm. Nope. Not going to go there.
“naughty america hot”
Does the Statue of Liberty have nudes?
“the best of oriental volume 2 fucking”
Good thing they added the “fucking,” because I was thinking we meant Oriental rugs. It’s also probably time to change this series to “best of Asian volume 2 fucking,” right? I mean, it’s 2015.
I seriously don’t understand all the searches for “fully naked.” Is it really that hard to find fucking movies with nudity? How often have you seen a sex scene and thought, “Man, this would be really hot, if only she wasn’t wearing that fedora…”
“tree of life movie”
Good thing you specified Tree Of Life the movie. Otherwise your search might’ve taken you to Tree Of Life: The Ride.
“movies on netflix with male frontal”
Perhaps that $7.99 per month would best be spent on some other website subscription…
“hot blonde girls that play in movies”
There may be one or two of these in Hollywood.
“naked naked sex”
When naked sex just won’t do. This sex needs to be naked naked.
“les miserables sex”
You know what porn needs more of? Women selling their teeth and hair before they do it! I mean, if you are jacking off to Les Miserables, then I don’t know what to tell you.
“twister film sex”
Now you’re trying to masturbate to Twister? Is it Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, or the flying cow that got you going? There is nothing even close to sex in Twister. Nothing!
“the awkward pictures of beyonce”
She will cut you.
“movie about people with doubles when comet passes”
It’s called Coherence. You’re welcome!
So do many of the people who find my website. Is that why you put periods in between words in Google?
“sexy fuck me dude”
Don’t just fuck me, dude. Sexy fuck me.
“find magic mike”
This is actually a good idea for a sexier version of “Where’s Waldo?”
“margaret thatcher deficiencies”
You mean the woman, or the biopic The Iron Lady? Either way, yes, tons of deficiencies.
It’s time to rename that studio.
“ryan phillippe scream”
Ryan Philippe was I Know What You Did Last Summer, not Scream.
“hate ny want to move to california”
We’ve all been there, everybody’s doing it!
“bad ass christmas song”
“i am bad here”
I’d rather you be bad wherever you are then bad here.
“daddy knocked me out to fuck me hard sex films”
Ah, my favorite shelf at any video store! A truly underrated genre.
“horny and lust for real true sibling”
Turn on your privacy settings.
“hot naked harmless rape”
Much like “fun, consequence-free manslaughter” or “frivolous, mutually beneficial burglary,” this is not really a thing.
“i hate jake gyllenhaal”
I’m sorry you feel that way.
“george c scott was difficult”
Still holding that grudge, eh?
“pl travers was a bitch”
Agreed. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one with that takeaway from Saving Mr. Banks.
“was p.l. travers a bitch?”
“was p l travers really a bitch”
“why was p l travers such a bitch”
There is literally an entire movie devoted to this question, and yet it seems this person Googled this after watching it rather than before.
“pl travers was acted like a bitch”
Yeah, we covered this, except with better English.
“i dont like rihanna becuase she like hitler”
Because she’s like Hitler? Or because she likes Hitler? Either way, this is news to me, and it’s not good.
“rihanna fucked hard and crying seriously”
No crocodile tears during sex, RiRi. We want real tears.
“sister is horny on christmas day to fuck brother and dad on film”
Ho, ho, ho! Nothing says “happy holidays” like a whole lotta incest!
“fucking birthday cakes”
A strange fetish I don’t care to learn more about.
I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.
“toaster strudel boy looks like kerstin dundts”
You couldn’t have spelled Kirsten Dunst’s name any more phonetically. Anyway, I had no idea who this was, but when I Googled this myself, I discovered that it’s actually true: